She came over to me and asked me to save her from some man who was annoying her so we got on the dance floor. There was nothing unusual in that except that we stayed together for the next one and the next one after that. I’m not even sure how we ended up sleeping together but we did. I was leaving early the next morning to head back to work so we didn’t speak about it but I knew things had changed. Even though we said we’d keep in touch we didn’t.

Then I came home at Christmas and found that things weren’t good between our parents. I arranged to meet with Emma to see if there was anything we could do or did she know what was going on. She just broke down and said she had an abortion. Why would that affect them I foolishly asked and then I realised. The fundraiser. She and me that night. But why did she do it.
“Because it was us, we couldn’t be like that.”
She was so sorry so sad.
I just left. I couldn’t believe how intense my feelings were and I just couldn’t cope with them. But I thought I’d handle it in my own time. I thought it was ok. But I began to feel very low all the time. I found it difficult to concentrate. My work began to slide. I stopped going out; stopped going to work out in the gym. I started to have dreams like I never had before. I thought I was going mad.

Months later I went to Bob’s baby’s christening and when I saw the baby, such a huge sense of loss overwhelmed me that I began to think that the two things were related. I didn’t know what to do with that loss. I couldn’t tell anyone. I wasn’t sleeping because I didn’t want to dream any more. I sat in the chair and watched endless television night after night. Flicking through the channels in an endless sleepless night the words 'post abortion' jumped out at me. It was an ad for CURA offering post abortion counselling. .I never knew there was such a thing.

I had the number in my pocket for weeks before I rang. I asked if it was ok for a man to come to CURA. I was given an appointment for the next evening. I saw a post abortion counsellor in the Centre who helped me to understand I wasn’t going mad. The dreams, the sense of aloneness were normal, she reassured me.

And so I began to talk about my loss. Week after week I went just to talk. I couldn’t believe my grief. And they say men don’t cry.
I was at home at the weekend and I saw Emma from a distance. If she saw me she didn’t acknowledge me and I avoided her. Maybe someday things will get better between us but not yet. If I do see her again maybe I will be strong enough to explain to her how CURA helped me.